2014 – Happy New Year
I have been quiet of late. Partly because I didn’t have much to say, partly because I have been extremely depressed and partly because the storms and gales across the coast of the south of England resulted in damage to my phone line, and therefore also my internet connection. After two weeks it was finally mended earlier this week, so I have been ploughing my way through hundreds of emails, junk mail and trying to catch up with what has been going on with my contacts on facebook. Not quite sure that I have managed all of it, but I’ve done as much as I can; so if I have missed anything important, my apologies.
2014 has started to sprint away already, unlike the latter part of 2013 which seems to have dragged its sorry posterior all the way to the finishing line. I even stayed up to see it go and watch the New Year fireworks from London on the TV.
I have now been signed off work indefinitely which is such a relief. They decided to move me out of the office where I was pottering along, and hanging on by my fingernails to what is left of my sanity, and to move me into the big main office in the Student Services area. A small and petty thing you might think, but it was the straw that broke this camel’s back and everything started to collapse around me.
Depression has been my constant companion for about 40 years. I had stopped going to school when I was 14 and back in the days of yore, very little was done to help someone in my situation other that to provide a basic level of education from a home tutor who came for two hours a couple of times a week. It wasn’t until I was at University about 10 years ago and beginning to fall to pieces that I had any counselling or support. I was struggling at Uni because I had never had to write an essay before, and I had no idea how to organise my notes etc. I almost gave up because I couldn’t believe that I could do well compared to students who had just left a full school career behind them. I couldn’t even knock on the door of a lecturer’s office to ask for help because I thought they would think that I was stupid. Even when I graduated I couldn’t believe that anyone would want to employ me, other than to do some basic office work, or maybe even to have to go back to cleaning. By then my health had started to break down, and I just knew that I couldn’t go back to cleaning.
I am not sure what this year will hold for me. I will be having repeat scans to see how things are going before going back to see the oncologist in early March. What I do know is that I have to do things for me; and do things because I want to and not because I ought to.
I reached a stage where I just wanted to be dead, because my life seemed to be so pointless. Somewhere, however, I have always clung to the hope that maybe there is a point to my life. I just have to find it.