Back on a even(ish) keel
So after a few days of a mind whirring out of control and a sense of total despair things are getting back to something a bit more normal. I have even started with positive affirmations instead of my old ‘I am nobody, I am nothing, I do not exist’ which was all that was going through my mind at this time a week ago.
I picked myself up, dusted myself off and went back to work on Wednesday because I knew that I had to make the effort and get back to my life. It is too easy to sit there and feel sorry for yourself and let things slide. One thing my life has taught me is that I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and do it for myself. In the end when you have depression, stress or anxiety only yourself can really make the final difference. Upping my anti-depressants has helped, but I still just have to get out there and make the effort for myself. It would be wonderful if there really was a magic pill that could take it all away, but there isn’t.
I doesn’t mean that what I was feeling is any less valid and true. In the big scheme of things I am a nobody who has done nothing important or earth shattering, but I DO exist and I am going on existing for the foreseeable future, so I just have to get on and do it. It is all rather symptomatic of the whole breast cancer experience in that there are times when there just seems to be no point, when it all seems to be too difficult; especially on the Metastatic side of the Breast Cancer dividing line. I have come to accept that I MUST allow these down times to rid myself of the stresses and negativity because I now recognise that allowing those feelings out it the best and fastest way to finding some ‘healing’ from the emotions that are blocking my ability to live, and appreciate, life. Or if you think of it as something slightly more basic … sometimes you just have to let that gas right out your ass!