When I let go of what I am …
I become what I might be. – Lao Tzu
I can’t clearly remember who I was before I had metastatic breast cancer. I have let go of that person because she was killing me slowly. That death was not to do with my body, but to do with my soul, spirit … my life … happiness and hope. Life and happiness is not about how you think others should see you and want you to be. It is about how you think of yourself and what you truly believe to be important.
Many people would think that my life is small and insignificant. I have never done anything great, brave or outstanding; I have just tried to live with my experiences as best I can. Not all of my life experiences have been good but one thing that I have done over the last few years is just to accept them and allow them to ‘be’. I can’t change them, but I can live with them. Just as I have allowed these experiences to ‘be’ I have tried to do the same with my Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis. It isn’t an easy thing to do and you don’t come to the point of being able to live and let live quickly. There were tears, there were hissy fits, there was despair. After all my life was just starting to get somewhere, and then they go and tell me I am going to die. NO FAIR!
These days I just don’t have the time or energy to be angry about it because it is a waste of time, and doesn’t actually end up achieving anything. Today is the Early Spring Bank Holiday so I didn’t have to go to work. I got up early and bumbled around. Had a shower and washed my hair and by that time the sea mist had started to disperse to leave a truly beautiful day. It is a bit of a running joke in the UK that Bank Holidays = bad weather, rain and cold. Today needs to be recorded as a near perfect day. A degree or three warmer maybe, but as I walking into town to have a Panini for lunch as my favourite coffee shop I stopped to admire the beauty around me and listen to the birds singing.
The photo says it all really. How perfect are those blossoms? How blue is that sky? I even sat out on the patio at the back of the house and did some meditation listening to the sounds of nature all around me. When you let go of a diagnosis of cancer you can become a person who accepts life. The good, bad and the ugly; but also the astonishing grace of just being alive to see beautiful things, and then spend the evening making Mug Rugs. It is back to work tomorrow but today my cup runneth over today. Sigh…..