Mork calling Orson, come in Orson …

I am in a bit of a Limboland at the moment.  My desktop PC just stopped working while I was downstairs putting some washing in the machine and my internet provider is rubbish and I have to change it anyway because my niece was paying for it and now she is on maternity leave and can’t afford to pay for the broadband as she isn’t working at the moment … so here I am at my netbook, but I hate laptop-style keyboards and the small screen, and as for the finger mouse!  I fired that a couple of days ago in utter frustration and have gone back to a traditional mouse.  I can scroll again – bliss.

The internet is very important to me as a source of information, inspiration and also friendship.  I don’t know anyone nearby who has metastatic breast cancer and there is something about having someone who just understands where you are coming from, and to whom you don’t have to explain certain things.  These are the people I know via the internet.  I have met a few of them in person over the last few years and will hopefully meet up with one friend again next week.  These are people who have heard those words ‘your cancer has spread’, they know the chilling of the heart, the over-heating of the mind and the stunned feeling that can make breathing seem to be a challenge.

Most of these friends I will never meet.  Some have sadly already left before me, and I feel their loss in my being even though I may never even know their actual name, or what they looked like.  In many ways these are my closest friends because we share a bond that doesn’t exist with those who have never dealt with a diagnosis of ‘incurable’ cancer.

However I have never really mourned their loss because I see it as a release; as a chance taken to be able to be whole and fly again.  Strangely enough I have never been able to not believe in an afterlife.  I have never been able to not believe in God, although I may not be a conventionally religious person; maybe because I don’t like to think of the world as being something as mundane as a hunk of rock formed by atoms and molecules whirring around the sun.  I don’t want the planet to be ordinary.  Take a look at the sky on a lovely day, and the cotton ball clouds suspended in mid air.  There must have been something more than a ‘big bang’ that created that … in my humble opinion.

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